Reblog if no one has a crush on you.
suddenly it’s three hours later and chemicals make everything more tolerable…
but I’m woozy and agitated and even with all these extra chemicals I’d be lucky to find a few hours of sleep before everything falls to pieces again.
as a “recovering” alcoholic, I still feel a slight hint of guilt at using quasi-frozen green grapes to help chill my recently room-temperature red wine. Shouldn’t they been red grapes, at least?
Dr. A. J. Drenth
perhaps triggering. almost complete relapse.
approximately 5 benadryl pills (when 2 is a recommended dose) and 2mg of alprazolam atop two 16 ounce hard ciders at 5% alcohol by volume and about 6 ounces of red wine at 13% alcohol by volume and i’m only slightly disoriented. I have a 1.5 litre bottle of red wine that is either 13% or 13.5% alcohol by volume chilling in the freezer for a bit before a break into it until I manage to poison myself unconscious with all these chemicals I have been using responsibly since I started ketamine until the ketamine clinic didn’t trust me to schedule my treatments without abusing them and my also mentally ill neighbor (previously borderline-friend but never again) said something triggering without being AT ALL aware of how sensitive a topic self-destruction/suicide is for me.
now i’ve only managed not to mangle the ever-living fuck out of my arms because it would be too obvious evidence of how much of a FUCKING FAILURE I am at this “recovery” I was so enthused about three weeks ago.
WHAT’S THE FUCKING POINT IF IT’S THIS FUCKING PRECARIOUS!?!?!?! I’M FURIOUS I’M PROBABLY STILL BANNED FROM ANOTHER XANAX PRESCRIPTION BECAUSE I NOW LOVE MIXING IT WITH ALCOHOL BECAUSE FUCK WAKING UP EVER AGAIN.
Maybe they idiots at the clinic wouldn’t be so stingy about my appointments if the awesome RN had to stick the IV in a garden of fresh scabs because the treatment was so postponed. I KNOW MY BODY AND MY MOODS AND THEREFORE I ALSO KNOW WHEN I NEED ANOTHER TREATMENT. They make me feel utterly hungover the entire day of the treatment. I am not frivolous with my scheduling. It involves an intricate cost/benefit analysis, as does every significant life choice I make.
I’m no longer in a place in my life where i can comfortably walk bitter and tear-stained to CVS to buy more alcohol because i’m not yet drunk enough to cope with being conscious, which is unfortunate since I’m still conscious and over-flowing with self-loathing and the need to destroy myself.
i guess if i put my bra back on i could get there. loud headphones are almost better than loud speakers, and then i could be more drunk. even in this state i cannot bear to use the word “drunker”. At least I have some standards.
or not… since i don’t wanna bleed on my clothes and i don’t want it to be obvious how much of a failure i am again
I WISH I DIDN’T MATTER.
what do I do when someone says something in passing that he probably doesn’t even realize the consequence of but now i’m about to relapse in a very bloody way? I am currently regretting every xanax I’ve taken since I was sure I wouldn’t get a new prescription because I only had 2mg left to take tonight.
girls who are actively invading nerd culture and making it more open to women and annoying male nerds with their ships and feels and discussion of things other than “what character would win in a fight” are probably the coolest people? like, we’re definitely up there