the fog will be gone when i wake up…
i am not okay with this.
please, someone prevent me from ever awaking. You would immediately be my ultimate hero.
i can’t life anymore.
when you start a sentence with “i” and immediately feel like you’re a selfish person and don’t deserve to be bringing attention to yourself and just the act of writing something like this is making your mind explode and burn and you feel horrible and there’s a crushing weight pushing down on you and it takes every ounce of mental fortitude you have left just to point that out; all over a feeling or emotion that wasn’t as bad as the current feeling or emotion but just snowballed out of control with the first doubtful thought.
always. i don’t matter at all.
most people who meet me - IRL or online - seem to think I’m ok to somewhat pretty great. I cannot coalesce my inherent self-perceptions with that of the perceptions of me based on the numerous spectators within my life.
the fact that i’m still alive is a testament to how desperately I prioritize others’ needs/wants about my own. I want nothing more than to have never existed. Many people who have become integrated in my life have made it clear that my death - particularly if self-inflicted - would alter their lives in immeasurable ways. I’m too compassionate to ignore that.
I’d rather suffer through every waking hour with occasional respite than know it was my selfish desire to be free of the perils of life on earth that consequently dissolved the lives of the most important people to me: my brothers, their wives, Julia, the rest of my niblings, Eric, maybe even Tori, Alex (for some confounding reason), and the slight chance of Tori’s awesome sisters, who I consider my friends as wel.
I could go on, but the fact that I’m still typing mostly coherently at this point means I need another xanax, really.
I love you all and people who care are the ONLY REASON I haven’t offed myself yet.
i am a nerdy athelete. what?
i wrote a whole lengthy notepad document about why i’d be a great assistant coach for a casual youth soccer league despite my lip piercings, turquoise hair, and current mental illness disability status. I’ m going to have it well read-over sober before I figure out who in the organization to send it to. I played AYSO 10 of the 11 years of my soccer experience and I loved that they intend to focus more of the fun of the sport than the competitive edge.
tl;dr: i need to get my shit together just enough to get on a soccer field regularly. all the shit that breaks my brain somehow matters so much less when I’m simply on a soccer field. i need that. i need to teach other kids how to achieve that. i need to promote sports as a nerd because soccer was the only thing that made my academic stresses manageable.
don’t people shoot horse just for a broken leg or soemthing??
i sincerely think that if we were not so egocentric as a species someone would have euthanized me by now, because forcing me to live in my volatile and self-destructive mental state for fear of disrupting the lives of others does come across as rather inhumane, at this point.
Guys, seriously. Signal boost. I needed this the other night, and a few weeks ago I was talking with someone who needed it. This is the best freaking thing ever.
I am so glad I found this. I hate calling hotlines. this is perfect, everyone must know.