My mom spent the night at my grandmother’s apartment last night “just in case” she had to be rushed to the ER because she’s been having trouble breathing more than usual. Basically her heart is giving out; she’s about 87, so it’s no big surprise. What the hell is wrong with me that my mom is basically watching her mother fall apart in front of her and I still spend at least half of every day wishing I didn’t exist and sometimes contemplating what I could do about it.
My psychiatrist I’ve been seeing for over eight years referred me to a published research psychiatrist who doesn’t even take god damn insurance. He’s got no ideas either, aside from recommending a sleep study. What does it mean when someone who deals almost exclusively with treatment resistant mental illness declares that I have “treatment resistance par excellance”? Fuck everything about this disorder.
I bought fancy new bandages last week and just dropped my bf off to see his younger sisters. I’m thinking it’s time to play. I need something to relax me enough to sleep before work. Blatantly mentally ill or not I still feel like a slacker calling in for emotional instability. I won’t lose my benefits because I’m on FMLA, but at this point, I also can’t pay rent tomorrow until I beg a few hundred dollars off my parents. They’d rather have me alive and expensive, though. I feel like an utter waste of resources.
I guess I’m off to bed because I’m sick of being a fucking drain on my family. Fuck.